When I married my husband, along came a heart child. She actually was what finally was that little push from liking my husband, to really liking my husband. It took a year though, for me to let go of my introvert self, my dating rules, and all that stuff that held me back. When he became single again, I sure let out all the signals. They say, the way to a man's heart is food. Well, we worked together and food was out, so I lured him in with tootsie rolls, blow pops, and caramel apple suckers. Okay, that's another post, lol.
The first time I met her, I asked God to make my biological kids has cute as her. I also asked that my bio. kids have her personality. Okay, she is a lot like my husband. I like to say, that it takes a lot of patience, understanding, and a little of being stubborn yourself, to deal with that blood line. In the end it is worth it. She is an Amazon Princess. She is a Tom Girl.(that is a good thing, in our family) but at the same time, she is a princess, like all girls should grow up to be. She isn't like my husband enough to be called Mini Him. She is a little like her mom, and we weren't calling her, Mini Ex. My influence on her, has been noted by many people(beside Me), I'm so touched and just amazed when I hear it. I can be just as tough as any man, but I'm all Lady while I do it. So somehow, our Amazon Princess was born. I actually think it came from me, but that got last in the years.
When you have a heart child, it isn't easy. You have to deal with the baggage of ex whatever and all the reason's that didn't work out, custody agreements, and there are just to many things to list. We also had miles, like drive most of a day miles, a husband working away from home, biological children, etc. I mention bio children and may need to explain a little more. I have talked a little about my son, there was developmental things, sensory things, etc. Then I had a miscarriage, in the early 2nd term pregnancy. It was an very emotional time, and we know now, our baby boy is in heaven watching over us. We jumped right into a pregnancy again, and we had Mini Me. She had a stroke when she was born, and seizures. So we had all that going on besides. It was tough. And because of my husband's jobs, Amazon Princess spent most of the time with me. So, in reality, of me and her father, I'm the one she has the closet relationship with.
As do most things, it is now many years later. She is 19, and just a couple of months shy of 20. Last weekend, I gave her a big what are you going to do with your life talk. Whew, she has been moving alot, going through boyfriends, had stopped doing school for now, and it has been a crazy 6 months for her. We talked about so many things, and one of them was going up from young and carefree to a little more planning for not tomorrow, next week but 10 years from now, 20 years from now,etc. Establishing some stability with living places, hopefully a "special person" to become the one, phones, etc.
After doing some Monday morning quarterbacking, I think we may have been to hard on her. I also thought, Why are we pushing our children to grow up so fast? Are we not pushing Mini Him to do the same? I also know, though, some of the stuff I said, (Mini Him let's me do these speeches, it is so nice of him) is still something as, "we have been there, done that stuff" or things that as our Amazon Princess should be better than what she has or had received. I forgot her other influences, these other influences love her but their lifestyle and parenting style is way, I mean way, different than ours. She is that person in the middle trying to find her way. So this maybe one of the most important times of her life. Deciding if she is taking one path or another, or making her own path. During that speech, my stepdad and my Mother came through, talk about some reality slapping you in the face. I also realized they let me stay in the nest a little long than my siblings. In fact, probably more than all my siblings combined.
Anyway, next time she comes over, I need to eat some crow. I tend to say I, it is always, a "we" in our house, we are a united front. I need to listen more and just not hear. I will be giving a "we thought about this and we were wrong" talk. We will probably hit on some things that we still think some concentration should be sent on, and continue to tell her, that we will always support her and love.
We realize that you have to let your chicks start to use their owns wings. We need to step back and let them learn to fly on their own. They will have many attempts, and they will fail. Isn't the failure the best way to succeed? That is what I have always heard. (You have no idea how incredibly hard that is for Me to do, especially with my heart child) Here are some things we think our Chicks need from us as the grow:
1. Love and support. That can be hard when the start to develope their own personalities. You are just heading out of the teen years, and they have questioned everything you did, either inwardly and outwardly. (I was one of those inward types I wonder if my parents knew?) They may have developed different beliefs, have different tastes etc. No matter what, always support them. I have caught myself many time wanting to question everything they do, and had to step back and support them. Loving someone is hard work. It is not just a given thing just to expect it. Like a flower, it will need watering and care.
2. Let them know more of the real you and become more friendly. You have always kept yourself as either Mom or Dad. I'm not saying become a friend without parent benefits. Let them know more of your tastes, where your beliefs came from, etc. The real you is just not Mom, it is wife, volunteer, Star War junkie(okay, maybe not everyone is a Star War junkie. You just should be.lol), and etc.
3. Show an interest in your real child's self. Open yourself up to what they have seen, done, etc. You can do some of the things that make them run. Reading some books they are into, doing the brave thing and listen to their music, etc.
4. Date your child. Yes, date your child. This is the perfect time to try new restaurants, do charity things, do a 5K race/walk, wine tasting(if legal age), etc.. Make sure it wasn't something you wanted to do and they just did to make you happy. You are starting to experience being empty nesters and they are just experiencing being out of the nest. You have a lot in common in this aspect, the world is a new place, enjoy with the new selves. I think it is a great idea to stay off of any electronics while doing this. Don't answer text, check your facebook status, etc. Be there with them and tell them you want them to be there with you.
5. Financial stabilities, budgeting, etc.should be addressed. I think it would be great to talk about credit cards. I so wish, I would have been given a talk about that. I think budgeting would be a great tool also. I think these are great things to address through life, but as fledglings, I think you would have a better grasp. In fact, next time, Amazon Princess comes over, I plan on showing her our's.
6. That "special person" At this age your fledglings, may have found or still be searching for that one. Be patient, if they parade a new one through every other week or not at all. I think Amazon Princess has a boyfriend named Chuck, or is it Chip. I gave him my standard," I'll break every bone in your body" talk. I think my husband is intimidating enough, and he has no need to say anything at all. It is hard to try not to influence your child's choices. I would honestly say Amazon Princess has a few I would like to hurt, extremely hurt. I will never, ever let her know which ones. Well, one I did, after she said things about him, and it was way over. I do think asking questions are perfectly okay. It is also okay to talk about love being easy to fall into, but it is work to stay in.
7. Sex: I hope that you have had a sex talk before this but during this actually college/left the nest stage. It is never a bad idea to bring up std's, birth control method, etcs. I would suggest not at Sunday dinner but it should be talked about. Hopefully, you are doing for the second,third, fourth time, etc. I think lust and hormones would be great to touch on.
I could probably go on and on but I'm stopping. As of everything, I'm not an expect. I'm just a person going through life one day at a time like everyone else. I'm going to make mistakes, probably a lot, and hopefully I become a better parent because of it. I think it is going to make me a better person, too. Isn't that all what we do?
I look at some of the things that I did when the kiddos and myself were younger and say,"Well, we should have done that different." I try not to have regrets because our past makes the future self better. It maybe the wisdom of a middle-age person, showing through. It also may be the ignorance of a not done raising our children speaking. I leave you with what my stepdad told me the other day.(He is has much a dad, as my other dad.) He said,"You are never are done raising your children. That is what my mom told me. It was probably one of the truest things my mom told me."
This blog is kind of my apology to my Amazon Princess.
Dear Amazon Princess,
I'm sorry I came down so hard on you and I'm sorry I'm not. I will never apologize to for loving you and the work I put into doing it. I realize you maybe learning to fly, and haven't got it down yet. I should stop pushing out the nest and let you go when you are ready. I love and support you. We should go see some MMA together, soon. I refuse to learn Chester's name until you keep him for a while. I will continue to talk to you and will unashamedly continue to raise you the rest of my life.
PS I will still seriously hurt anyone who every hurts you, if your dad doesn't beat me to it. I maybe saying this in jest, or am I? Bawahhaha!